What would be ur takeaway from this blog?

nothing, expect realizing how consious i was about writing my first blog and that i spoke about no real topic apart from a loop of being consious. but i personally had a great time writing this.

This feels uncomfortable.

So yes lets begin , this is me siddharth sangal , super consious right now with this site and taking it live even thought probably 10 people would see it that too after i share the link cause whos gonna randomly google "siddharthsangal.com" with that exact spelling, but still scared of being judged and admiting to myself yeah this is all i've done? accepting that i delayed making and publishing even the draft 1 of this site over the span of 1 year cause i wasent confident about my skills as a ux designer, and this is as good as i am at least in terms of proffesional work. maybe also cause i've never posted anything about me, ever. im not on instagram never posted a pic of me anywhere always been consious. or even my work. i had started posting my early day sketching but idk why i eventually took that off too. maybe when i starting seeing a 100 other people 100 times better than i felt like whats the point? found it comfortable to think if people just dont know or dont see my work it could be like the best work cause they havent seen it puttin somethign on display and stepping back takes a lot of courage, not being there to explain or justify really feels like being naked.

so as you can alredy tell im not a great writer, i dont know when, to,correctly,use, a comma, but along with that you can also be sure this is not ai generated or even ai corrected or anything ai. cause there is no point or objective to this im not trying to write well or better im just writing to figure out what im feeling through not stopping a thought in my head after 10 second of thinking about it but digging deeper and writing for an hour about it with just repeated questioning to get to some sort of a conclusion.

It is tempting to put this all in chatgpt and just tell it to polish or restructure or something but i promise you, my tru fan who has reached till here in this blog on my site that anything on this blog and upcoming blogs will be me. the most honest rawest shittiest writing but by me. paragraphs could jump be unrelated digress , just like a real human convo and brain. my intention with this is also to do 1 blog in 1 sitting. like a live painting what ever stroke has been made i can not undo it. (*idea , live writing without an option for backspace should be a thing where ur reader can just have chai and watch words/stories unfold live)

this is like doing an impromptu standup. being on stage with the mic, an audience watching and then realizing ur not even a stand up comic ur a product designer and u just have to start saying things hope youll eventually catch ur flow and people will start laughing. that what this first blog is for me just stumbling fumbling but just forcing myself to type words any things type type type blah fuk shit penis tits this is my blog i can write anything it dosent even have to be good, you dont even have to read it ! this is free will! i can write anything! no i am not not drunk idk why sometimes just being happy or expressive or creative is mistaken for being drunk i dont like it when people say that to me.

now that i reread the last para im realizing why arent more books like this? like with spelling mistakes or first drafts or just not so professional when i think of a write why do i picture good grammer and words and puntuation ? but not much of raw honest writing.

if u've read till here means u like me. cause this blog sucks so ur here cause ur being kind so feel free to call me on 9967411461 right now.

i can feel my nervousness getting capture in my writing as you can probably tell thats why i like this 1 sitting thing it really turly captures my current mood. now ill put a thick new header so its not a lot of small words toagther and its dividen in chunks so it eaiser to read.

Thick new header seperator.

just so you know how boring and unauthentic reading this blog wouldve felt if i used ai check this out , the following is the first para of the blog - and i just told chatgpt to make it better for my blog -

"There's something strangely uncomfortable about publishing your own work. Not because millions of people will see it—they won't. In all likelihood, only a handful of people will ever visit this website. Yet pressing "Publish" still feels like standing in front of a room with nowhere to hide.A portfolio isn't just a collection of projects. It's a snapshot of your thinking, your taste, your decisions, and your limitations at a particular moment in time. It quietly says, this is what I'm capable of today.For years, I found comfort in keeping my work to myself. Unseen work can always be imagined as better than it is. The moment you put it out into the world, that illusion disappears. People see it exactly as it is—without context, explanation, or excuses.Maybe that's why publishing feels so vulnerable.But growth has always belonged to people willing to be seen before they're ready. This website isn't a declaration that I've arrived. It's simply proof that I finally decided to start."

YUK, give you the ick dosent it? u can feel the cringe right? even thought its "better" its like seeing people love this old motor bikes that make a lot more weird sounds or a screw coming loose everytime you ride than a perfectly finished one. both communicate the exact same thing so why am i not refning my work.? im not asking you im just thikning right now why am im doing this shitty writing? maybe im just lashing out cause i havent expressed all these years? maybe cause this is my site rebelling but in my own space? there no other place wher ei have the im the king who cares attitude but this section on my site? maybe its more liberating once u stop feeling u have to do well? or people expect any better? being labelled shitty is actually maybe the best label to have? a label that makes you free.

i hope to get more free in the upcoming blogs while being not so consious/ self critical or pretensiously self aware as i write things.

well thats it for now kind readers thankyall.

Bonus.

so the tough truth about why i started writing like this? Dreams! not regular dreams. but dreams that led me to go a doctor multiple times and get checked!

its been over 4 years now significantly gotten better but mostly since my first year of master it got pretty bad sever night tremour phsyically tensisng the body for severl hours subconsioulsy due to regular horrific nightmares about real life and people in my life family friends starnager , at one point it got so intense ("warning pls dont read the next line if ur not ready") that i used to wake up with tounge cuts / blood in my mouth blood on my pillow from all this regularly since i was in a hostel anyways hid it for about 2 years thrice a week and eventyally got over my taboo or talkin got the college counselor that didnt go well just felt like he dint get it and kept to myself again. untill! i fond that apple notes are pretty private! haha i hope so! and i started to write! obviously shitty writing at like 3 am when i woek up or when im distrubed i start writing about thing that i couldnt even revisit in my thought but could do it through just typing words and eventually writing became my carefree fearless zone and thats where this style of writing probably comes from cause this is the only style i know and love.