What would be your takeaway from this blog?

Honestly not much, you can skip this one, you'll only come to know how conscious i was about writing my first blog and that i spoke about no real topic apart from a loop of being conscious. but i really need this, to start somewhere and personally had a great time writing this.

This feels uncomfortable.

So yes lets begin , this is me siddharth sangal , super consious right now with this site and taking it live even though probably 10 people would see it that too after i share the link cause whos gonna randomly google the exact correct spelling "siddharthsangal" and im barely discoverable online no insta fb youtube facebook twitter anything but still scared of being judged i guess, and admiting to myself that yeah this is all i've done? accepting that i delayed making and publishing even the draft 1 of this site over the span of 1 year cause i wasent confident about my skills and achievement as a ux designer, and this is as good as i am at least in terms of proffesional work. maybe also cause i've never posted anything about me, ever. never posted a pic of me anywhere always felt too…..not sure. i had started posting my early day sketching but idk why i eventually took that off too. maybe when i starting seeing a 100 other people 100 times better than i felt like whats the point me doing it adding to the crowd if im not the best? found it comfortable to think if people just dont know or dont see my work it could be like the best work cause they havent seen it. i know, sad but tru. Just realizing at 27 that putting anything that has ur name in some sense on display and takes a lot of courage, and is the only real way of growing in your craft. not being there to explain it , letting people see the outputs the results feels very close to being naked publically. (not that i've been there either). I absolutely love how rick ruben in his book the creative act summarizes all this in a line - "Sharing art is the price of making it. Exposing your vulnerability is the fee."

So as you can alredy tell im not a great writer, i dont know when to correctly use a comma, for example but along with that you can also be sure this is not ai generated or even ai corrected or anything ai. cause there is no goal here no point or objective to this im not trying to write well or better im just writing to figure out what im feeling and i guess you dont need ai to tell you what ur feeling, so i try to do that through not stopping a thought in my head after 10 second of thinking about it and getting distracted with another but digging deeper and writing for an hour about it with just repeated questioning to get to some sort of a conclusion.

It is alredy pretty tempting to put this all in chatgpt and just tell it to polish or restructure or something but i promise you and to myself that anything on this blog and upcoming blogs will be me. the most honest rawest shittiest writing but by me. paragraphs could jump and be unrelated, digress , just like a real human conversation and a slightly overactive brain. my intention with this is also to do 1 blog in 1 sitting. like a live painting what ever bold stroke has been made i can not undo it. i think that truly captures ones current mood and not a fixed version 3 days from now,

it really feels like doing an impromptu standup. being on stage with the mic, an audience watching and then realizing ur not even a stand up comic ur a product designer and u just have to start saying things hope youll eventually catch ur flow and people will start laughing. thats what this first blog is for me just stumbling fumbling but just forcing myself to type words and realizing this is my space to do anything! so why am i still afraid! shit come on type anything type type blah fuk shit penis this is my blog i can write anything, still scared who would read this what will my dad feel if he ever sees this, will my girlfriend think my english sucks? will a recuiter think this is so unnesecary and unprofesional? but i need to overcome this fear i need to stop fearing authority and rules and judgement, it dosen't even have to be good, you don't even have to read it ! i need to excerise my freewill a lot more. rebelling and screeming in my own little secret space hahaha, well its a start.

Now that i reread the last para im realizing why arent more books like this? like with spelling mistakes or first drafts or just not so professional when i think of a writer why do i picture good grammer and words and 100s of drafts till perfection ? but not much of raw honest writing.

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i hope to get more free in the upcoming blogs while being not so consious/ self critical or pretensiously self aware as i write things. and If u've read till here means ur my curious supporter so thx a lot genuinly! cause this particular blog sucks so feel free to call me on 9967411461 right now and heres a small bonus ! —> So actually ive been doing this 1 sitting rapid writing style since 4 years now this is just the first not so personal topics and public entry and the tough truth about why i started writing like this are Dreams! not regular dreams. but dreams that led me to go a doctor!

Its been over 4 years now significantly gotten better but mostly since my the second year of my masters degree it got pretty bad sever night tremour phsyically tensisng the body for severl hours subconsioulsy due to regular horrific nightmares about real life and people in my life family friends strangers , at one point it got so intense ("warning pls dont read the next line if ur not ready") that i used to wake up with tounge cuts / blood in my mouth blood on my pillow from all this regularly since i was in a hostel anyways hid it for about 2 years thrice a week and eventyally got over my taboo or talkin got the college counselor that didnt go well just felt like he dint get it and kept to myself again. untill! i fond that apple notes are pretty private! haha i hope so! and i started to write! obviously shitty writing at like 3 am when i woek up or when im distrubed i start writing about thing that i couldnt even revisit in my thought but could do it through just typing words and eventually writing became my carefree fearless zone and thats where this style of writing probably comes from cause this is the only style i know and love.